Tiffany

Finals

Yeap, finals starts tomorrow! Its pretty unbelievable how time flies and now a semester is ending already :o

I don't wanna grow up TT

Its 12.25am now and I can't sleep. English test is at 1pm later. Gosh, I'm feeling so reckless right now, like I just want this exam to quickly end.

But at the same time, I don't want to face this. The exams are gonna be tough and that's what worries me.

I'm gonna have to do it well to score a High Distinction for all four subjects :/

And I know I'm not the book type of student haha oh well

Anyway, my finals are gonna be on Monday, Weds , Fri then Wed again! English, Accounts, Maths, then Econs.

Sem 1 has been really tiring. Classes were packed and lecturers were trying to squeeze in as much information as they could in that one hour and fifteen minutes. And you don't have a choice but to nod your head whenever lecturer asked, "Do you understand?"

When you walked out of the classroom and glanced at your watch, all you have in mind is what had I just learned just now? as you walked towards your next class.

I guess that's college. You gotta have an active brain in order to not just absorbing information, but to understand the knowlrdge. And to do that, you have to be awake. A clear mind is required.

And what do you do to get that?

Either enough sleep or coffee, coffee and more coffee.

Being a lazy, sleepy head, I usually stop whatever I'm doing at 11.30pm. And then, get myself ready for bed before I start to scroll my phone till I'm prepare to close my eyes to sleep.

Honestly, I'm forever sleepy. And tired. But, the addiction of scrollng the social media is uncontrollable. So, that's how I wasted my studying and sleeping time.

Next, I'm slow in doing homeworks. My lecturer often gives tonnes of homework without discussing or providing answers to them. Oh man, they are a true professional in that. By occupying my time with homeworks, I ended up not studying or reading up the next few pages of the textbook before lecturer teaches.

I got used to being left behind, only to be catching up ages later. Therefore, this added up to my 2015 resolutions : Study everyday.

But now, right before finals start, I'm feeling restless as heck. I have no idea what to study for English, ran out of exercises to do for Maths, not enough of practices for Accounts, and completely helpless in Economics.

Oh god why.

This isn't like SPM. The stress is ten times more and the time is ten timess less. :o

Dealing with people is another matter. Since we got to choose our own timetable for the second semester, I'd gotten numerous requests to be in the same classes with others.

Well, the problem is I don't want to be in the same class with them.

Getting used by people is probably my forté. And I'm really doing my best to avoid being in the same class with people whom I already know are crazy, rich kids who only aimed to score a pass in every test and to be spoonfed all the time.

Its time to grow up. And learn to make mistakes.

And I also only have a very short limit of patience when in comes to dealing with people. Stucked up people and hypocrites. Fake and pretentious people. Those you can see almost everywhere here in college.

Sigh.

12.45am. I should sleep now.

Enough with the ramblongs and good nite ^^

12:47 AM
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Rush

MUFY isn't an easy course. Its actually pretty heavy too, sigh. This week has been a tough one, although its not the end yet, but, gosh, it was tiring.

Rushed my revisions for Economics test, which was last Friday. And started the new week with Maths test, which was pretty hard. Then, Account test on the next day. Yeap, I'm pumped.

The week doesn't get any better when there is a group assignment. Sometimes, I just don't get why people want to be different than the others. Its good to be unique, but what's the use if its useless? Sometimes, you just don't have the choice but to be like the others. I'm sorry, but for an Economic group project, there is honestly nothing much you can be unique about.

Anyway, my Economic group project requires the student to search up an industry and determine its market structure. To get high marks, we go for what was recommended -- monopoly. And the only major monopoly company that we can see in this country is obviously TNB.

But you wanted to be difference. "Alright guys, search up what's the other monopoly companies in Malaysia." you said.

"How about Astro? I think Astro is a monopoly company."

"LOL NO ITS NOT. Astro provide internet just like TM."

Okay, first thing first, you're an international student who isn't born and raised in my country.

Second, please do your research about Astro. Its a bloody broadcasting company, not an Internet provider just like TM.

But its fine, because probably you didn't know that Astro had already collaborated, hence a TV + Internet package. As an international student, shouldn't you be less arrogant and accept the views of your fellow Malaysian group members? If you have evidence to support your statement, we local peeps will gladly accept your views.

And, the worst part is I'm working with a group of , to be polite, not - so - high mentality people.

Sorry, but I felt like I'm working with a bunch of monkeys. Group assignment is like a serious thing that carries nearly half of our coursework marks, and I do not want to bloody screw this thing up just like how you guys screw up your tests just because you can't spend 10 minutes of your life to study but have an eternity of life time to waste on social medias.

Asking a question in our Whatsapp group is like talking to a wall. No response.

Except for one. Thank you, you're awesome.

How about the other 3?

Can you guys please grow up and cooperate ?!

Example,

"So which market structure do you guys vote for? Monopoly or oligopoly?"

A: "Monopoly."

B: "Oligopoly."

C: "Rollie Poly Ollie!"

D: *never replies*

what the bloody hell is rollie poly ollie?

"So is it oligopoly or monopoly, C?"

C: "What do you think? ;) " And then, never replies an eternity later.

=.=

Grow up please.

Sigh.

This is why I hated group projects so much.

3:59 PM
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Leaving?

To me, I think leaving is a harsh thing, but at the same time, I'm used to it already. Call me cold - blooded for thinking that I'm fine with leaving.

I mean, its your choice whether you want to leave or not.

When I was just a little girl, I lost my first pet cat, Fifi. She passed away alone, in the rain because she was sick. She left us a week before she passed.

And then, it goes on to the second cat, who was hit by a car.

Then, talking about leaving, I left Penang at 11. Those were the times when you were starting to have great primary school friends. I left all my friends, and all I have with me are just memories.

That was the first time I felt that leaving is a really harsh thing to do, when all my friends wanted me to stay. Days in Chee Wen sucks and again, its all about leaving primary school and moving on to secondary school. I left the bullies, haters and worse of all, friends who were not like them.

Secondary school was full of ups and downs. My favorite senior in St John left me. Library was all about favoritism. And I hated it because its all about having relations instead of having the capability.

My parents "left" me at 15. And I tried to do the same.

At 16, I left St John. I left my juniors, my colleagues, my team mates and my seniors. They asked me to stay but I didn't. I knew they were faking it and I'm tired of facing the jealousy that's happening behind my back.

I left all the friends I knew previously in camps and activities. Some friends stay, some friends left.

I always told myself, that's life. People leave as they want and you have no control of it.

Though I disliked the way things go among the people in library, I knew that its a great place for me to stay because there are people who appreciated me there. I didn't want to leave anymore. I'm done burning bridges just because of leaving.

Form 5 was over and I honestly thought that I won't be able to see my friends again. I felt like crap because its all about leaving again. Leaving the teachers, juniors, librarians, friends, classmates... the memories.

Throughout high school, Mushu, Yuva, Doris, Tingkoo and Orka left. Because shit happens. I didn't want them to leave but they just have to. Just because shit happens.

National Service. Bonds were built and moments were shared. I had a great time despite the frustrating events that occurred everyday as the leader. And again, that day, when we left camp, everyone was in tears. I'm leaving camp. And at the same time, hopefully not, leaving friendships behind.

Grandpa left. Another uncle left. Another aunt in hospital due to a tumor in her brain. Coco left. And the most recent, a distant uncle in Sarawak. Distant but close.

I'm sorry you have to go. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate more when I should have.

Thank god I got a scholarship, at least I wouldn't have to leave my family for a long period of time. And my friends.

But time passed and people changed. Everyone got busy with their daily lifestyle, busy with their newly met friends, chasing trends, rushing works.

Relations became distant and people start to leave one by one. Out of my life.

Studying in Sunway, taking up MUFY, the people I meet everyday and live with together daily... I don't want to leave anymore.

I'm sick and tired and I'm done with this.

Let me live a life with people who wanted to stay with me.

I may sound selfish and self - centered. However, bear in mind that, if you ever need to leave, please go.

The older I get, the more pain I felt when someone leave. So, just leave.

I'm used to the pain anyway. If you ever leave, it will be just another pain I have to endure for a long time. But if you're gonna stay, please, stay.

I kinda sound like a desperate loner but this is really what it is.

Don't you think its nice when you know there will always be someone whom will always stay and never leave.

I know its impossible to stay forever but, don't you think its nice? To have someone who is willing to stay? That they will always spend some time with you everyday, just so that you are aware that they still stay in your life?

I'm not talking about a boyfriend lol

It may sound like one, but honestly, it all sums up to real friends.

It may sound like a lot of effort, but if you are willing and passion about it, there is no full stop in it.

I can.

But not everyone thinks like me, isn't it? Leaving doesn't go one way but both. If you noticed that someone close to you is slowly leaving, slowly becoming distant, take a step back and reflect. Think about it for some time without letting your emotions take over your thoughts.

You would've noticed that something had changed. And if you don't mind about it, continue whatever you're doing.

If you mind, talk. Do something. One small gesture that signals the meaning of "stay" brings a lot.

Appreciate the people around you who are willing to stay, be it temporarily or long term, before they leave.

11:23 PM
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Talking about changing your attitude...

attitude

The people you meet everyday, they all have different behaviors and attitudes. The way they walk, talk, think, doing homework, treating others… Behavior and attitude basically sum up the way a person live their life.

Committing one’s self in many relationship – be it friendship, colleague, hi – bye friends, Facebook friends, neighbor, whatever, it doesn't matter, I find it hard to maintain all these relations. There will be definitely a time when one of your contacts get mad at you for a small mistake you did. Though it’s a small mistake, but to them, it might mean a big issue. There will be definitely a time when you can’t stand the weird behavior of someone, and you just go on tolerating and tolerating, until you burst.

And you can’t please everyone you met. Your mom loves you the most but you can’t please your mom all the time too. She can nag you about something you had done 5 years ago because of your horrible attitude in handling something and that makes you mad and her, madder. In another way of saying, even the person who loves you like nobody ever can will find that negative behavior of yours annoying.

Making friends are awesome and fun, getting to know people are great too. You are bound to learn something new from them, every day. The experience are not the same as yours; they could have a terrible incident happened to them when they’re young, and that’s why they started to think like that. Or maybe, their living conditions are different than yours. They can be way richer than you, and spend like crazy. But what if they does it as a way to feel happy? You never know.

So, in a nut shell, everyone’s different. Everyone have a different behavior or attitude in everything. In the other hand, it also means that everyone have their good and bad points.

But, does that mean they will only be like who they are today?

For example, the guy you met the other day is a hella lazy. He procrastinate a lot and doesn't like doing work. Those kind of laziness that he can’t wake up early in the morning just to catch a 9am class. But is he aware of it?

Well, of course he is. He can be not aware of it, and you can always tell him as soon as you meet him. If you don’t, it just show that you’re not a good friend after all. But, that’s beside the point. The point here is that he is and should be aware of his wrong doings.

Yes, it doesn't hurt anyone, so why do you even need to care?

Did you realize that people like you just made the world a much terrible place to live in?

Anyway, if a person is aware that his/her daily behavior is disrupting his/her productivity in life, shouldn't that person change it?

It is going to need time and effort, but if there’s a will, there’s a way.

When you’re born, you learn everything from your family. Your parents may have bad behavior like a bad temper, nevertheless, you are going to follow them because you’re still young and you still don’t know how to think for yourself yet.

But things are different right now. You’re older now. You can think. And, the best part?

You can think for yourself and the people around you already!

If you have a bad temper, change it. Don’t give yourself and the people around you excuses like, “I’m born this way”, “that’s just me, I can’t change it”, “I’d always been like that”.

No, you are not born that way.

No, that’s not you and you can’t change it.

And no, you had never been like that.

If you have anger issues, find a way or solutions to solve it. Take deep breathes when you are mad. Or maybe, step out from the conversation to let the anger calm down.

Do something about it.

If you have a habit of checking your phone every 5 minutes and the people around you are getting annoyed that you only have a short attention span on human interaction but a millennium attention span on a small LCD screen, do something about it.

Off your phone. Ask your friends to help you out. If your friends asked you to do it yourself, it means it is time to meet new friends. They absolutely don’t deserve you.

If you have a problem for being selfish because god knows why and everyone around hated you for that, take a step out of your comfort zone and try to change it. Bit by bit every day. Empathy a little bit more every day. From your siblings to your parents. From your friends to random strangers.

Everyone appreciate a positive change from anyone around them.

So, if you tell yourself that nobody cares, you’re wrong. Maybe the people around you wouldn't notice the small, minor differences you make every day, but in the long run, there will be a big differences.

Plus, you don’t change yourself to impress people. You change yourself to become a better person.

The quote that goes by, “Stay true to yourself” and “Be who you are” doesn't mean that if you are a terrible person, stay as a terrible person. It just mean be good to yourself.

“Don’t let other change you because they wanted you to change”.

You are old enough to think whether the change is for a good cause or a bad one. And I believe, there isn't a need to elaborate in that.

Its great that, one day, someone approached you and said, "Hey, you're not like that usual douchebag as you were before!" And, instantly, you find yourself much approachable and happier. Great, isn't it? But it needs a starting point and it doesn't just appear out of thin air.

It appears from you.

So start today, give it a try. Step out of your comfort zone. Stop giving yourself excuses, admit that you’re wrong and you have to change this terrible attitude of yours. Give it a shot. Great results don’t come immediately, so take your time. And by taking your time doesn't mean that you should be procrastinating and whenever it is time for you to make a decision to change that horrible habit of yours, just do it instead of saying “I’ll do it tomorrow”.

All the best :)

4:57 PM
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hello

10:52 PM
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Dedicated to my baby -- OUR baby ^^

10:37 PM
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My unit in SunU Residence :)

10:55 PM
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Just a week before raya

10:51 PM
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First week of college again

9:47 PM
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Moving into Sun U Residence...

9:18 PM
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Moving in... tomorrow ^^

9:46 PM
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Screwed up afternoon again

6:25 PM
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Back to Mukah in a hurry.

Its a rather shocking news actually, for me at least, since I never thought that he would go so quickly.

After lying on the bed, paralysed for 3 years, Uncle Eong said he passed away when he told him he wanted to sleep. Uncle didn't know much about health and medical stuffs, at least he never let go his grasp from Grandpa :) He was already weak by then, and the doctor got the biopsy result that grandpa had lung infection.

I don't recall much memories with him. When I was young, we only went back to Mukah once every 2 years. By the time the government gave the government servants the priviledge to return home every year and I begin to learn how to think, Grandpa already had a stroke and paralysed. Its tough to think that I don't have much memories with him together.

I don't even recall the last time I heard his voice.

I don't even have the chance to tell hin I got the Maybank scholarship and show him all those pictures during the Maybank ceremony personally.

Damn it.

I was attending the Maybank Scholars Boot Camp at Broga, Semenyih when I got the call from Mom. She was beating around the bush at first, until I sensed something was wrong with her tone of talking. I mean, she always have that nagging voice whenever she called me, but it was different then. Her voice was a bit cracky.

I was shocked. And I cried as I started to realize the regrets of not spending enough time with him.

When we reached le grandparent's home, there were quite a number of people and it was hectic. Grandpa wasn't placed in the coffin yet because all the family members need to be preseny to do so. I didn't have the courage to see Grandpa under that piece of white cloth. Ah Kiong was crying and I saw Ah Mei for the first time in years.

A proper family reunion when Grandpa passed away.

Its a terrible thing when you thought about it further, isn't it?

Anyway, around 3pm, the monk led the prayers and the body is placed in the coffin. I think his body had started to decay because there was an unpleasent smell but then, it isn't the right time to ask anything like that ><

I blindly followed the prayers and whatever the monk asked to do. Actually, all of us followed blindly.

Why do we need to burn all these paper money?

Dunno.

Isn't burning money Taoism?

Dunno.

The monk didn't asked us to do those actually, it was the Nirvana staffs that told us to do so. I didn't dare to ask the monk, because Mom told me to shut up the entire session.

We didn't sleep much that night, I slept at 2am and Ah Kiong, whom slept the latest, took awful photos of us sleeping in the living room ==

Anyway, the house was alive by 4am. We started to prepare breakfast for the guests, clean the house a bit, prepare for prayers and so on. 6.30am, we started praying. 8am, we were on a 3 hours bus trip from Mukah to Nirvana Sibu.

The burial started around 11.30am, there were more prayers and we bid our wishes to Grandpa as we placed flowers on his coffin.

Surprisingly, nobody cried.

Like Mom said, the reality was already well accepted by everyone.

Then, we went back home wearing bright colored shirts as an indication to Grandpa that we are happy and he hadn't need to be worry in heaven :)

He lived 88 years on Earth. The monk said we should be happy because he had passed the great years of his life.

Maybe she is right even though he spent the last 3 years of his life on a bed paralysed :(

We had a big dinner in a restaurant at night. Everyone was invited, right from Sibu to Mukah :)

While we were eating, the monk gave a short speech and she passed the microphone around to the family members.. First was the brothers in te family, then the eldest sister. Third was the husbands, Dad went up to speak. Then, the wives. Then, to my horror, the grandchildren. Only 2 though, one the inner grandchildren and one the outer.

Ah Kiong went up first because he is the inner grandchildren.

HE CRIED IN HIS SPEECH ._.

Then, when the monk called for one outer grandchildren, we looked around and then I decided to volunteer.

I NEARLY CRIED TOO ._.

My speech was pretty simple, and I'm relieved it ended with a great round of applause from everyone.

Thank you thank you for listening to my 30 seconds speech ^^

Haha.

Hmm, its been tiring actually and not enough sleeppp!

But really, the trip there and back are filled with regrets, for me at least.

You never knew how much something is worth until you lose it, I guess :/

Let me curled up and cry for a while. I'll be fine.

Ciao.

10:58 PM
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Second Week of College

9:00 AM
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Unproductive Saturday

10:01 PM
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#AONMalaysia

10:17 PM
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Lunch with John and 二姑

3:48 PM
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Harsh reality during Mother's Day

Yesterday and today had been hard for me.

I quitted my job today and got my pay as well. And boss treated me chicken rice for lunch, but Mom sms-ed me in work that she wanna try out eating in Starbucks. So I met dad, mom and bro there at 1pm and hell, it was a really expensive lunch by just ordering 3 sets of meal. I didn't eat, just there to accompany the family. After all, its Mother's Day today :)

Dad spent around half an hour discussing with me about UTAR. And I didn't really listened to him because he is gonna bring me to the PJ campus anyway. We can ask all the questions we want there.

I was thinking a lot during work and I pretty much poured out all my thoughts during lunch today, and I admit, I'd made lunch time for everyone stressful.

I told them all I'm hoping for is obtaining a government scholarship/offers to save costs for my PreU. In matriculation, a student can get monthly allowance, free accomodation, low cost for food and daily expenses. In UPU, a student can have free foundation/diploma and continue their degree in the same university.

Its a good offer, honestly. The most your parents have to pay is the petrol fees of fetching you to the college/uni from home and their time and energy.

But I guess this is life. I didn't get either, I wad disappointed, angry and also regretted not studying hard enough to get a bursary scholarship.

I mean, I believe many teenagers are affected for the same cause right now, not just me. For now, I hadn't felt happy ad someone who want to minimize spending their parents' money on education by obtaining a local uni course.

Its not like I can just walk into any private college and use PTPTN loans or my parents' money to study any course I want.

I mean, I have a dream, get it? I know the usual sayings, "Be determined" and so on. But to accept the reality in such a fast pace, when everything just starts throwing rocks at you, and you just gotta think positive and stay strong and not disappoint your parents, it ain't an easy task for me.

I believe I might need quite some time to accept this and move on.

But what broke my heart the most on Mother's Day is when I overheard my mom crying in her room, pouring out her thoughts and disappoinment to uncle Eong. I'm so sorry.

If admission goes well tomorrow, orientation in UTAR will be this coming Saturday. Classes will commerce on 26th May.

Its a rush, really.

Yeah, like what Ivan said. What are you gonna do?

I honesty have no idea about this UTAR thing.

And a no comments later in our convo -.-

Lol, nvm.

Probably because he don't understand that pang of regrets and stressful situation I'm having now.