Tiffany

I'd been busy. 

I helped around the store, but this time at the shoe store. So basically my job of the day is to show the customers the shoes they want, follow them, get the right size and colour of the shoe from decks of shoe box on the highest floor and run down via stairs to give the shoes. The worst thing is when the customer looked at the shoes and decided not to buy TT 

Wasted efforts. 

So the running up and down process is simply tiring and took around 3 minutes. 

Plus, its Christmas Eve. People are buying Christmas present so they were a lot of people today... 

And back to school! 

TT 

Oh and we prepared some balloons to attract kids ^^ 

I found this huge teddy bear! Its height was approximately 150cm and weighed kinda heavy ><!! 

Anyway, i looked like I'm strangling the teddy bear hahahaha

This is what she wrote: 

"Happy Birthday Pei Er!

As you know, this isnt going to about your birthday as 98% of "birthday essays are not" , more of an appreciation post.

FRIENDSHIP APPRECIATION POST

Even though we have only been friends for about a duration slightly longer than a SAM course in Taylors, you are already in my circle of good friends. As in the smaller circle in my social circle which is pretty much non existent. There are some people who Ive known for 5 years and barely spoke a sentence to and some which ive spoken more than 10 sentences within 10 minutes. First day of school, remember? But well, Ive stalked you for 2 months on twitter so... <_<

Also, Im using touch type to write this damn thing so you know how much you mean to me. LUL

I remember the session you had when Kah Yin didnt come to school for one day and we were at the APD and no one was listening to Pn Chuah. You, giving me pep talks even though you only known me for about one month i was like : guuurl you dont even know me, NUH UH HELL NAW. But I know it was a good talk, despite me hating you 70% during the pep talk. I dont have enough honest people in my life. I have like 6/10 but thats about it. Who am I kidding, most of them are just mean ass people trying to make me feel bad.

We often have the same marks during exam, it was nice having someone as a competition about the same level even though i know your results were always better than mine- but yeah. I liked that you had goals and vision, made me wanting to prove to you i had them too. I still want to go to an ATL/paramore/michelle concert too but that isnt my main concern anymore lol

I like your practicalness about money and stuff like that even though i dont necessarily agree with you. You would be so successful in life if you used that potential to the maximum.

Im sorry if I seem indecisive and fake sometimes(or all the time) , im still learning how to speak up without offending people.

Lastly, get good grades, marry ivan and have many kids bla bla bla bla all that.

Most importantly, be happy. 

"From outside I seem happy a lot, but Im human and its not possible to always be happy." -Park Bom. <- dats whut she said

You are a happy person even though i feel that you are sad most of the time. <_< Dont smile (like me ) if you dont feel happy, its more stressful than putting on a fake smile, just look pissed. Be happy, pear. It brings you a long way in life.

Sorry if my grammar errors are everywhere, i forgot how to english after using tumblr.

Thank you for your honesty and friendship and random hugs and gossip sessions.

Go down singing,

-ML- "

THANKS GUUUURRRLLL. I'm glad to have such an honest message from someone ^^ 

With society nowadays, you don't get that much. In fact, rarely. 

Love you to bits, MunLin. 

:* 

我不懂我几时可以再次感觉到那个已散走的快乐。

…

那天晚上后，我们就比较注重学业了。可是，我还是我。我就是死心要和你继续像以前似的，开开心心地谈天。但是，你好像越来越疏远了。

我顿时想起你前女友… 难道我做错了？

我错什么？！

跟你在一起的时候，我觉得你好像越来越陌生了… 难道你不喜欢我了？难道我只是你的暂时性的玩具？感觉上，我被你利用得很糟。

可是，我仍然装傻。就让时间来决定一切吧…

我忽然间明白你前女友的心情了。

好苦。

好疼。

可是，你不懂。你什么都不懂。

因为你太自私了、太自以为是。

你真的…不知道吗？我一直都在这里…

…

你考完SPM的那一天，你写给为了一封信，吩咐我考完每一科后才读。我乖乖就绪。信里的一切内容，我都早已预料了。我的泪也早已干了。读着读着，我想哭的感觉也没有，只是很沉闷地、静静地读完那封信。原来如此，你是害怕再次受伤。由于你跟你之前女友的关系断得太突然了，你心里肯定受了重伤。你害怕再去爱一个人。

我明白。

因为我也受过这种痛…

你若是很怕再爱，我愿意等你。可是，你也不要太过分，对我不理不睬…

啊，我忘了：我们不是男女朋友的关系。

是，我只是你的朋友。一个喜欢你的朋友。

所以，我做了这么多，你却推我推到远远去。

你此时到底要我怎样？

你因为怕再一次受伤，就把我推掉。

你有没有想，你为了不要受伤，却伤害到我吗？

你有想到我的感受吗？

你有想到你做了这么多来保护自己的心，伤到我了吗？

你好自私。

我还一直以为你是那种经常为别人着想的一个人。

所以，告诉我，你到底要怎样？或者是，我到底要怎样才行？

你要我离开吗？

这样，我没有保重我们可以继续做朋友了。

求你了。

我心痛得无法用字来表示了。你就是这样，明知道我心疼了，却还一直这样做。害我每天晚上哭着睡觉。害我每天一直看着我的电话。害我一直空希望，希望你会送来一份信息。

难道你忘记我们之前是如此的默契吗？我们每天放学后是怎样的，你还记得吗？

值得吗？我每天为了一个对我不理不睬的男人哭、伤心。

值得吗？我们之前那么的开心在一起，现在就这样的离去了。

值得吗？我每天就这样没精神的，就这样一直等你，一直等。

空等了。

每次我想念你的时候，我很想发送你一封信息。很想跟你谈话，但是，我发现到十次九次都是我先发的。你…难道就没想到我吗？

或者是你深深知道我一定会在另一边永远的等着你，所以你才不会先跟我谈？连在面子书也一样。十次九次是我先开话的，你呢？只顾着回答。最近你回答得感觉上很无奈，我也不想跟你说话了。

还害到我整天等着你、想着你…这些全部不就等于白费吗？

值得吗？我浪费了我的心细、我的时间、我的力气…为了你。

全都是因为你。

值得吗？

我问你，值得吗？？？

认识了又和你一起做了几个月的工后，我心里曾经想过会和你在一起的时候。有时还没睡觉的时候，就会幻想与你在一起的时期…

但是，知道你与你曾经的女友断了关系的原因后，我对自己发了誓，我一定不会像她一样让你觉得烦、生气和讨厌。

我开始觉得我做不到了…

五月中，你看起来已经忘掉了她，或者是你已经把你和她的怀念抛在脑后，不想在想起来那些甜蜜的时候…你好像很开心，我记得你曾经说过没有了她，你活不到、无法再次感觉到快乐… 现在，你又好像没问题了。

但是，我却听说你喜欢了另外一个… 

…

她根本就不适合你。从你眼中看，我发现到你有稍微的喜欢她。那天起，我开始感觉到心疼了。

…

那时，我还是没喜欢上你。但是，我总是觉得你若跟她的话，你一定不会开心的。可是，这种东西怎么会留到我来管呢？？天啊，我在想什么。

…

Library camp。你和另外一个她。听到别人那么“欺负”你和她，我心里觉得十分难过。但是，她是我的朋友。她帮了我很多，要保持朋友关系，我一定要当作没事的…可是，看起来，好像给大家看透了心… 难道我是那么的差劲？！唉…

那时候，我能够真正的告诉自己：“我喜欢你。”

…

AGM后的某一天…你跑到我后面，推了我一下，说你要告诉我一些事情。我们就边走边谈了，谈了谈了，你说你也喜欢上我了。我…无言。没想到真的发生了，我喜欢的人真的喜欢上我了。我还记得，那天我觉得很开心、兴奋。

…

从此，每天的放学后，我们一定会见面、谈天、最后，拥抱。即使拥抱只是短短的几秒钟，却对我来说是世上最幸福的几秒钟。我总是想：“认识你是我生命里最美好的事。”

当时我真笨。我毫无发现到你这个人到底是怎样的人。我真的很笨，非常的笨。我一直以为 我和你这一次一定是天生一对的。我以为，我以为，我一直以为！

当时，我经常忘记一件很重要的事：我和你之间不是男女朋友的关系！

Friday : I called up the office of PLKN and got the info that I have to write a surat rayuan to change batch. So I did. And sent it on the spot via email and fax. I hope they f***ing received it. Annoyed, I called up again and did a lot of research about NS. I found out that the chances of changing batch is low. VERY LOW. You have no idea how demotivated I was. Dad have to talk to me about going with the flow and just accept the things in life, after all, things don't always go your way. 

Saturday : Still affected, I couldn't play badminton properly. I had the shittiest game and disappointed many people on the court. I'm started to think myself as a weak person again. Then I realized, all I need is someone to be by my side and constantly remind me to never give up. No matter how much I tell myself that, it just won't work... until Jia Qi said, dont give up yet. Not yet. 

Sunday (today) : Outing with Nee Kee and Kayli! It was fun and tiring. We walked around Sunway, had KFC for lunch, watched Hunger Games : Catching Fire , had pretzel for the first time and talked a lot at Coffee Bean. Catching up on news and sharing views about random things. I told them about what happen to me about NS, a bit of friends, some stuff about him and studies. 

I'd been walking like an old lady for the whole day today.

Anyway, I groomed Dai Dai! Well, it was suppose to be grooming and just trimming but the fur was so messy I ended up shaving it :( 

Before grooming :

Look. So furry. And kinda messy for the fur :/ 

Just half way through cutting the fur... Its already half shaved :(

After grooming. Looks so skinny hahaha... I guess she was tired for standing 2 hours non stop while I shaved her :/ 

The amount of fur I shaved :/ ahhh ><

Damn, I suck. 

>.< 

Haih. 

Time really flies :( 

So basically, these are the things I'd been waiting for and also not hoping it happens:

(1) Receiving my NS letter. It was suppose to be during November but words went on from ear to ear saying that it would be the first week of December. Oh man :/

(2) Outing with friends. It should happen but yet, it would also mean that high school is really ending and you won't be able to see your friends anymore. Sobs :( 

(3) Going back to Mukah. Argh. Not that I hate that place and grandpa is sick now :( Its just the people there annoys the hell out of me.

(4) My birthday. Sometimes I feel that Facebook shouldn't even have this birthday thing. Its like boom! Here is all the notifications regarding your birthday. Ugh. Can I have it in a small scale? :3 pretty pretty please? :3 or like nobody knows. Lol. I should just delete my fb account if I think like that haha

(5) Facing reality again. Like it or not, time is gonna pass. I'm gonna face NS or studying (if it happens) and a load more of disappoinment. Ugh.

Go with the flow I guess.

But I just don't want to grow up. 

:(

Life would be so different. Not being able to see your friends who meant sk much to you.

:(

Good night.

Uh huh. I wonder how did she even know me. And I dunno who is mino T.T 

So I decided to DM her instead of tweeting to her publicly.

After some asking and making things clear, I still have no idea who is mino. But one thing for sure, and that is:

I'm in.

.

.

.

.

I don't recall saying yes as an answer to the offer. 

The most I got was 30.

And today it is 57.

Like how on earth. 

This is an achievement hahahaha

I:"Hello?"

Me:"Hi!!! I thought you were gonna sleep, so I tried calling, but you didn't pick up. So I thought you slept."

Its so.. Traumatic :/

I mean, I just couldn't get it out from my head T.T 

Haih. Why.

:( :( :( 

I hope I managed to get an A for Moral tho, since my format was correct...

Can't believe it has always been us that are blasted with different formats and new stuffs. We are like guinea pigs. Being tested with all sorts of experiments :(

On the bright side, we would be better than the next generations. 

But still...

Sigh.

I got a really strong feeling that I won't be able to score at least 9A+ for SPM. I was hoping so much for it. All I want is the scholarship -- and make my parents proud. 

But I don't think its possible anymore :/

*takes deep breaths and exhale forgive me sighs*

~

Dad gave Yuva away already. And Dai Dai looked so solemn after realizing Yuva is never home anymore. 

I'm not sure if its just me, I noticed her eyes are more watery than usual. And the fur around her cheecks were soaked.

I hope she isn't crying after losing 2 dogs that were extremely close to her.

First, its Orka. Now, its Yuva.

Haih.

*takes deep breath again and exhale forgive me sighs*

~

2NE1 made an announcement and their new comeback song will be in 2 more days. Meanwhile, I'm having a serious matter with SPM, they decided to have their comebacks now. 

Why. Why. Why. Why.

And they will be doing another tour. This time Malaysia is included. (YAY) 

So I'm gonna work part time and get money for the tickets and the lightsticks! $$$$$$$$$ 

~ 

Mom saw Ivan and I sitting together and Julian was there too.

Mom asked me whether Julian likes me, not sure where she got the idea from but, okay.

And she thinks I look cute with Ivan. (Okay....)

Then she asked, "Why do you always like timid guys like Ivan and Julian? Get a brave one, those types that are brave to talk in front of adults like you." 

....

But, it stopped growing and I do have some problems chewing food after it stopped. I never thought that it would be a big deal.

Then, two days ago, it started to grow again. But much more painful :(

Looking at it, the gums around it had swelled up. At least its growing, just that it hurts so much, eating had really become a problem now :(

So i decided to google about it.

Hahahaha.

To prevent infection, I need to extract my wisdom tooth.

Like ASAP.

Hahahahaha.

Shit.

I got SPM now.

Hahaha.

Mom was concerned. And happy.

Because I won't complain to her that i'm hungry anymore.

T.T

I hope I don't need an extraction.

I can just withstand the pain, right? :D

Hehe.

:B 

But still, haiz. 

Check my LINE and one of the staff decided to create a Twitter account.

I'm in charge.

Wtf is the only word I could think of as I was brushing my teeth.

Spent the entire morning creating a new email, a new Twitter account and did publicity and managed to get 60+ followers today. 

Great start, right?

Oh yeah, and I havent started with Form 5 sejarah yet.

Spend the entire afternoon full speed till night. 

Realized today is Sandara Park's 30th birthday. 

She doesn't look 30 at all.

If I look like this when I'm 30, I'll be a super model.

She looks like she just turned 20.

Anyway, 11pm. Start trending #HappyDaraDay.

Start posting #DaraFacts with another staff. (Tho he did most of the job because I was studying and decided to tweet a bit here and there)

Trend trend trend trend

11.30pm. Finally done reading through the past year questions and answers.

Panicked for the an entire 15 minutes realizing the fact that I do not understand the last chapter.

Nearly cried.

Held back those tears and went to do one set of Biology paper 1.

Got 6 wrongs out of 50 questions.

Need to get better if want A+.

Checke phone and realized I havent update Tumblr.

Holyshit-ed for 5 minutes as I update it.

Sigh of reliefs as I'm typing this.

Mentally and physically tired.

Need to wake up early tmr to buck up my Sejarah. 

It will be my final boost before the real exam.

I can do this!

So goodnight!

Straight to the point,

I'm just no good with good byes.

Sometimes its just hard for me to say goodbyes to people whom I care - unless they are in a rush.

....

Anyway, there seem to be some changes in our usual conversations.

Of course, I don't expect things to last forever but not this fast.

I mean, the flow of the conversation does change quick between us.

I...

Well, yeah.

Just a small matter.

No big deal.

Its just less "hugs", less usual stuffs we used to do back to the early stage.

Yeah.

No big deal.

:) 

You changed before I changed.

So don't be mad at me if you ever tell me I'd changed because you'd changed earlier.

:) 

Such a small matter, isn't it?

What's the big deal when you have SPM to face?

Just temporary stress, fun, tiredness, pride...

Ah well. 

Back to Physics :) 

T.T

This is awfully touching. I got the motivation to face SPM better now ^^ hehe

But then he said "staight As ya?" 

What.

No.

What if I can't?

D: D: 

That would be such a disappointment.

Is he pressuring me?

D: 

Sobs sobs

*mixed feelings*

Listening to tips does make me realize I have A LOT to study. Though I'm not depending on it, but it definitely act like a checklist. 

I wasn't expecting bio.

That's the worst.

Idk what to say right now, my eyes are too blurry with tears to actually type a post abt my feelings now.

Just...

Plus, those terrible feelings...

Ugh.

Someone please just kill me.

Not literally, but a hug. 

Yeah, just kill me with hugs and cute cats or puppies and chocolates and pillows and sushi and ice cream and ohmaigod i will get so fat why is this happening 

Nooo.. I can't believe that its really here!

I still remember the first day of Form 5, and I thought,"SPM is still far" :)

And now, its just 2 more days.

Wow. Time does flies :/

I had a chat with Kayli just now and apparently, Cassie hasn't been studying and she is planning to go to a culinery school after spm. I'm not sure whether its possible but I'm sure you can't go anywhere if you have a really terrible SPM result :/ i just hope she doesn't fail..

I had been doing so much exercises lately. But I have absolutely no confidence for Bio and Physics! :( 

I'm so scared! Bio is a really hard subject. But everytime I read the question, I always have a big problem of writing the answers and leaving out the details :(

The motivation I only have now is to make my parents proud.

At least 9A+!!

It isn't much of a choice... 10A+ is damn much harder :/

I'm pretty depressed everytime I think of this T.T 

Tearful nights had come and passed. I just really hope that I can squeeze an A+ for Bio.

Sigh.

Good luck to myself, I guess. 

I gotta admit, its pretty nice :) 

Thanks to Pn Bodjit's table. Hahaha.. 

Hmmm... I like my photos for this one :D woots.. The focus is a bit too soft tho... Hmm....

It looks dreamy and a bit blurry....

Blurred lines. Haha

I was already expecting this to happen. Things like giving more stuff to my bro and yeah. I don't blame them. But its really obvious there is a change in attitude in mom and dad. Haha. 

That friendliness in everything. Wow... 

But Heng jee is still the same. Clumsy, selfish, thinks like the world revolves around him, still doesn't know how to be polite for an entire adult session. 

When I pointed it out, he said,"Well, that's me. I don't change for anyone. If you can't accept for who I am, then leave!" 

Lol. He interpreted the saying "Don't change who you are for someone." wrongly. That's not how you apply it in life, I told my bro. He is too oblivious to care anyway.  

Changing who you are as in making yourself to be someone who you are not, like because of someone, you decided to change yourself from a person who hates smoking to someone who does just to please that someone. Get it? 

Ahhh.. My bro doesn't get it tho. 

John invited us for ice skating on Saturday. I agreed but bro didn't want it at first. But, just me being me, I told John my bro said yes. Haha. Why miss the fun just because someone say no when deep inside his heart, all he wanted to do is to relax from matriculation. 

I'm saying yes for my bro actually, I had plans for the night like studying Sejarah. 

Mom disagreed about the plan. But Dad supported my idea of releasing stress and first time experiences :) so a bit of discussion with parents and I tell my bro about the plan.

Heng jee ended up quarreling with me for a bit but its worth it. He didn't want to get out from the ice skating ring after we skated for more than an hour and a half. He can now ice skate. He enjoyed his time. 

Annnndddd there is me! I fell down 3 times on my butt ;( it hurts but I can now at least skate slowly. Haha. Well :) 

Sacrifices of a sister which no one sees.

I'm happy :) 

But then, as I was scrolling Twitter, I saw a picture and I really wanna challenge myself in drawing that human portrait.

Its definitely some kpop artist (duh) but I dont know why and what causes me to be so inspired to draw haha

And I learnt a new shading technique... I'm still not good at it but it kinda works and gave a smooth glow like shadow (what.) I only use that technique on the nose tho but yeah.

I personally think that its not really nice, its like just another drawing.... Hmmmm... And I shouldn't use a sharpie. 

I dunno man.... >< blekkkk 

Hmmm....

I'm still thinking about what i should do for Ivan since he gave me so much :/ 

.....

....

...

..

.

I thought of something, but I'm not really sure how to do it. I got some slight ideas on how to make it :) 

But first, I need the materials which are......... 

I'm not gonna tell. It shall be a surprise until I'm done with SPM. 

I probably have like 5 days or more to finish the present :3 

Hehe... 

I'm planning to buy presents for all the birthday peeps I'd missed this year. It has always been either a card or a random gift, so I'm gonna go on a shopping spree to buy the gifts :) yay

Why am I thinking about after SPM and not studying?? ._. >< 

Ngaw. 

I reached Neekee's house at 2.30pm and watched Peter Pan (childhood memories) and The Big bang Theory. And then Cassie came all prepared with her prom dress and nails :O but she complained a lot about how others looked prettier than her when she went to do her hair. Hahaha... 

Hmm.. I did a bit of makeup for Cassie too since she wanted some. And I did mine myself :P just a simple one tho... Heavy makeups sucks :P 

Then we waited for Chiu yan before going to the hotel :) 

The first thing we did after reaching was going to the TOILET. Apparently none of the girls there knows where is the toilet and we were all like " =_= ".seriously... After we found the toilet, everyone just started rushing in. Blahhhhh. 

Haha then Ivan gave me a card... I was surprised cos' I TOLD HIM NOT TO GIVE ME ANYTHING. And he did. With the design of a Jack card too :') I'm touched. Thanks >< I couldnt stop reading it when i got home and realized how much spelling errors he made. Hahahaha.

Btw, Neekee and I got Starbucks :3 

Then we took a lot of pics with people. Lol. 

OH OH AND AND IVAN GAVE ME A BRACELET. Which explains all the question he had been asking me like are you right handed and stuff. Haiya.... But thanks for the not so surprising surprise, I will take good care of it ^^ I love it too haha thank youuuuuu <3 

Fast forward to the start of the event, the first dish sucks ttm. I'm not a goat or a caterpillar. Its like, leaves and olive oil lol. I shouldnt say that, but damn i paid rm 170. The second dish was mushroom soup ._. I'm not complaining since it tasted better than the others. And the 3rd dish was... Dry. Its chicken with sauces and all but I couldnt finish them. Even Ivan couldn't. No regrets saying yes for being his prom date tho hahahaha anddddd dessert. Dessert was awfully sweet, too sweet tbh. Maybe one of the chefs mistaken one tablespoon of sugar to one bucket of sugar.

Then it was SLOW DANCE TIME. I didn't realize it was until Ivan nudged me constantly. And Julian told me its slow dance time. HAHAHAHA. 

I didn't want to do it at first cos' I was really REALLY SHY. And I dunno how to dance and its with someone I liked???????? Ek. 

It was awkward for the first few minutes until it went into a hug kind of dance hahaha i dunno how to describe that but its probably one of the best feelings to have when you are still in your high schools :') 

AND IT LASTED LIKE WHAT? 15 MINUTES? I JUST STARTED ENJOYING THE COMPANY WITH HIM :( :( 

And then it was a dance performance by Ivan's friends. Nice and hilarious too. And then dancefloor timeeeee. 

I hate it. I'm not sure if Ivan wanted to dance with his friends or not, tho he kept saying no... But he looked like he wanted to -.- so i felt bad for pulling him out from the crowd ._. :( 

Oh and we held hands. 

I dunno how but it just came naturally. So. Yeah. 

._. 

Then we spent the last minutes talking at the stairs, looking outside the window :) 

It has been a great time with my friends, tho I still think it wasn't worth the money :P But all's well when it ends well :)

Thanks to Ivan for proposing. I never thought it would even happen, I remembered thinking that its impossible but I guess I was really wrong. And thanks for not making things so terribly awkward like what happened between Chiu Yan and Stewart :P haha 

And the card! Ohmaigosh.. The efforts made to do the card was incredible. I dunno how to write back to you now ;( 

And the bracelet. Its simple and cute ^^ 

Same goes with this. I HONESTLY DUNNO WHAT TO DO FOR YOU NOW... Its not like I'm going out anywhere to get you any thing :( i feel so bad :( 

T.T 

TT.TT 

Sigh. I suck in making a surprise. 

I'll try to think of something i guess :( 

><

Last week and the oast few days had been absolutely hectic. Anyway, today's paper was Biology and Moral. I didn't have enough time to memorise all the definations but I'm lucky enough to be able to answer the questions with the limited nilais i have in my small brain. 

And bio. Haha. I have no comments at all. 

I had been sleeping past 12.30am since Sunday and this routine goes on till yesterday. And now, its 10.50pm and I'm going to sleep. 

It was a stressful day today, but it all turned better when I realized that there ARE people who really notices the small things. 

I felt blessed ^^

(Wait, I'm not a christian ._. ) 

(Mehh, who cares.) 

Nites :3

I'm not confident with my pra trials exam at all, but one thing is that for this one month, I'm gonna work really hard and get 9A+ AT LEAST. 

So, I will work hard. 

I want that results really bad, and I'm gonna get it. 

Get into Pharmacy and excel in it. 

Yeahh, that's what I want. 

For now at least. 

Let's go hardcore babe, I got a goal to achieve. 

Not because you kept reminding them to do so, but they realized them because they cared. 

And when you found those people that cared about you, do the same thing too. 

Don't be selfish. 

Think about others too. 

Think what you can do to help others.

Haha. Its gonna be Add maths paper 1 and BM paper 2 so I should start studying on komsas. 

Qi told me about stuff on the reasons why she isn't Julian's prom date. Now both of them are feeling guilty :| one is guilty for calling it off, one is guilty for asking her as prom date.

Then it was Chun Ken's birthday yesterday and SueZanne gave him a birthday present. I never asked what she gave but seriously, she was sad because he tore the wrapping paper that she designed herself. 

I kinda feel guilty too. Because I was the one that suggest to her to design her own wrapping paper since she don't have time to buy. 

And she spent loads of time designing it, so... Jeez. She even have a notebook to compare and choose which designs are the best. 

An this morning she was still heartbroken. And Chun Ken was feeling guilty too. But he was blaming her for being so sensitive too :/ 

Hmmm....

Should I be guilty too? 

Well, its just a suggestion.... But since she took it, does it mean I'm part of the blame now? :O 

NOOOOOOO /.\

是自己笨。怪不了谁。

是自己自私。

是自己胆小。 

是自己不敢面对事实。

别人看不起我， 我不怪他们。也许现在会有人注意到我是因为我戴上了一幅假面。喜欢我的人，应该只喜欢我的好方。我不可犯错，要不然别人就会对我有了不好的眼。

为什么不做自己啊？

为什么这么要讨别人的心？

为什么？！

我恨自己了。自己白痴。自己笨蛋。

结果受最多伤害、吃了最多苦的人是谁？

是我。

就是我。

片体鳞伤的我。

心里就是有哪一部分，在那儿痛着呢？

哭着呢？

Honestly, I didn't mean to get the best swimsuit along with Pei Ru. She wore beach style..... I think. So was me.... I think. 

Well, HONESTLY, I didn't meant to get the lucky draw either. 

That bigass hamper /.\ 

This gathering kinda make me wonder about what's gonna happen after NS.. I know Nee Kee would be there ngahahaha

But I'm not sure whether the Top 7 will have our own gathering again. I got doubts that they would tho :P 

And ivan. 

._. 

Let's not think about that depressing part. 

And, I'm not sure whether its just me overthinking or something, he gave back a really simple note. I'm not being greedy or what, but I was actually hoping that he would say more than thanks about the note I gave him.  Maybe something like thanks for motivating? I dunno, I really don't. But then, its a really small thing which I decide to ignore :) I mean, we're just friends right? 

But sometimes, I just feel that no matter how much I helped him in studies or motivates him, he just won't budge. 

Maybe studying isn't what he likes to do, well, I don't like it either. But its definitely something I will force myself to do so, so that I won't disappoint the people around me. So that, I don't get looked down. I know, by the time I'm at college, no one is gonna care how many As I have. 

But that is the future. And As is definitely the most important thing NOW. Sigh well... Life just don't go your way. 

So how have I been this few weeks?

Honestly, I don't like my progress. 

I procrastinated a lot. And I couldn't concentrate well because I kept hoping that I can talk to Ivan again. 

Sometimes, I think, I should really start controlling myself. Like now. 

No more excuses. No more 'just another minute of thinking of him'. Nope. 

I get demotivated easily. I collapsed the moment someone says,"You could've done better." or "She is better that you". 

Again, people always say, Don't compare yourself with others, its like insulting yourself. True, but easy said then done. 

And, instead of being a typical low self-esteem teenager, I should have taken those words as a motivation to improve myself and drive myself further. 

But I didn't.

Sigh. Sometimes I just have to learn things the hard way because I'm just too stubborn to accept the reality. 

A typical teenager. With this kind of attitude, I'm definitely going no where. 

Another disappointing part? 

So is him. 

It's gonna come to one point where we separated because one of us just can't take each other's attitude anymore. 

Wait, we're just friends lol

Anyway, I sometimes hope he would read my blog but like what he said. He is just not good in reading. 

Well. That's an excuse. 

I don't know about him. 

I just don't know. 

I'm just another typical immature teenager. 

Its time to stand in front of the mirror and start developing myself. Its already 2013. 

Okay. Anyway, today was the first day for the Focus program thingy for the Form 5s and I'm glad MunLin and MayXuan sat near me. Unfortunately, Beng Jin was sitting behind me and he was noisy as f***. Well, you just can't have life going your way, the worlds doesn't revolve around you. 

It was today, where I realized that I have not enough time to study already. I felt that I'm still very lagged behind compared to others, so I'm gonna push myself harder. 

I can do this.