I hated the fact I'm a mini version of my father.
But let's all be real, it's a fact that even I myself can't deny.

I hate myself.

Just because I quoted my dad in many things doesn't mean I only listen to my dad.

He is undeniably a very talkative person, and of course, just like everyone else, he has his own opinion that comes with a mountain of ego. He said plenty of things.

Do I agree with all of them?

No.

But is he right in many things as well?

Yes.

Is he wrong in many other things too?

Yes.

But when I interact with the world, why would I want to quote the wrong things? So what if it's an opinion from my father that is, false in the eyes of our generation?
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It hasn't been the best of the days recently, and I hate the fact that the semester is finishing in another 4 weeks, and then finals. The days just get closer to semester break, and to everyone, its a bless. To me, its not.

I hate holidays.

But do I have a choice?

Can I just sit down in a corner and cry? I doubt so.

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Plenty of times I do things that may be, a little harsh and aggressive, be it a group work or its for the people I cared for. I blamed myself that my communication is not good and raising my voice is just rude or meant I'm angry, when simply, I'm not. I just want my message to be heard, listened, and understood.

Plenty of times my message wasn't even heard.

Let alone be understood.

That many times I only meant good.

I may not be smart and occasionally show my stupidity of the highest level, but one thing I'm truly sure of is I don't meant harm and I only want the best for you and the task at hand.

I may be a nerd and overly responsible for my work. I am indeed overly anxious over everything of anything and I can still guarantee that it's because I want the best for the people around me.

Sometimes when you don't see what I see, I'll tell you. But you have to be willing to listen and see it together with me. Before you jump into assumptions, conclusions and judgments.

Our opinions will always differ.

Simply because we are brought up differently and I see the importance in things that to you, it doesn't matter, and vice versa.

I rarely feel the need to share my anxiety, worries or opinions on university works or friends anymore. Why should I when people don't get it? When people don't see it the way I do? And when I do, people show their sour face.

I know reality is hard.

Even though I had always wanted to just murder myself and be gone forever and never be remembered. But in reality, I'm already attached to people that I cared and to be very honest, it's fine without them caring back. The heartbreaks will be numbed and forgotten, until one day, I wake up and realize how stupid I was to care for people who doesn't care for me. If you think you're still childish and immature and all you want is to remain that way with the care of others on you, ignorance is bliss. This is my immature thought speaking.

If I don't love myself, you can see it through the way I treat people. The reflection of the love on myself can be seen on others. Just trying to exist. Just trying to be there. 

But we all know, it's not there.

To love yourself is easier said than done.

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I'm starting to think that my scholarship is not a blessing.

If I'm not bind to a contract, my parents wouldn't be my guardian.

I wouldn't have to try to blend in a community that doesn't appreciate the presence of a person trying her best to achieve a steady CGPA of 3.5, which at the same time, doing her best to learn more about the world and how it turns.

The only attachment I have is my family.

I'll still be a closeted girl, hiding my real sexuality and those ugly experiences with myself that only I will be ashamed of.


But you know what I call this?