Tiffany

We are finally done with 2014. It has been a year of accepting the end of 2013 and maturing from who I was to who I am now.

2013 was a year of hype and imagination.
2014 was a year of growing and harsh reality.

How would I like to sum up my 2014?

I would say that I started the year as the old Pei Er from 2013. Childish, immature and does not accept things that doesn't go my way. Things became interesting when I decided to have another name called Tiffany. No, its not my alter ego. Its nothing like that.

I got a surprise letter of National Service for getting the transfer from second batch to the first batch. I went to PLKN Ulu Pari at Rembau, Negeri Sembilan and was somehow elected as vice captain of the company, which later was promoted to the captain. I had a blast, I learnt a lot from different types of people of my age and I met a girl who had changed me to be a thoughtful person. Coming back from NS, many people around me had changed. 

Or is it my perspective in them had changed? Those in college seemed to have forgotten the friend that had always been there for them in 2013.

I got my SPM results of straight As unexpectedly, I was happy my hard work at 2013 had paid off. A bit of regrets for not working even harder to get a straight A+. I applied for all the scholarships on the list, from medical to arts, and prayed hard every night before I closed my eyes to sleep.

I went for a part time job at Berry's whilst waiting for some good news. But my high school records were not the brightest. Due to the administration errors, I didn't receive any good news for matriculation until the mid of June. I received a great number of rejection emails and calls from scholarships. I hated myself for not working hard enough back in high school, not achieving more awards or scoring more points.

I broke down because my parents wanted me to be a pharmacist. Deep down, I don't even want to be anywhere near the medical field unless its about sales. Memorizing medical terms and medicines isn't my cup of tea, even though learning how the human body works is pretty interesting. I talked to my parents about this and after days of arguments, I quit my part time and went to UTAR to study Foundation in Arts.

I met new friends and realized, I don't belong there either. The lecturers wouldn't answer my questions and my classmates would ask me to shut up so that we all could go home 5 minutes earlier.

I was totally lost. I thought nobody cared about me anymore, or at least make an effort to understand me. How to make friends without them being jealous of me? One evening, my family had an one to one session with me about how disappointed they were with me and they told me the reason why for the entire 3 months of National Service, no matter how much I asked, they wouldn't come and visit me. And I knew the reason before they even said it out. I just never expect such a confrontation from my own parents. 

2014 was the year I really thought about how my actions would affect others. Whenever I'm with my brother, I feel sad inside. The way my parents talked to him, the way treated him... I envied him. What had I done that makes them not proud of me? What do I lack of so much that both my parents had to shift 90% of their attention to him?

I broke down. I really doubted myself. Its like 2011 all over again. The thought of suicide lingered around me almost everyday, to the point I felt haunted with myself and all I wanted was comfort. 

And support. 

I had never wanted to prove my worthiness so much in my life. Especially to my parents. They are just... saying me things that demotivates me all the time whenever they saw me doing things I like.

One day in mid June, I received an email from Maybank Scholarships to complete a set of online questions in an hour within a day deadline. I did, and I thought I did badly with the mathematics part. Two days later, I got an email that I passed the first round with flying colors and was requested to attend the second round - interview.

The interview was on a Monday afternoon. I went home and at 10pm, I got a surprising call that I made it to the 3rd round. On Sunday, I went to Menara Maybank once again.

'If you want to study in a private college, get a scholarship.'

Something my parents told me when I was Form 1. I don't mind studying in government colleges and universities, but it seemed like the only way to do so is through Form 6.

And on that day, I received a letter of acceptance to study matriculation at Kelantan, which gave me the chance to study pharmacy. This sudden news was also because someone in my high school realized he had all my marks recorded wrong and had them corrected. So, apparently I was eligible for matriculation after all. My parents were over the moon, they even helped me in preparing my luggage, ready to send me off on Thursday. No one had the slightest idea of how heartbroken I was. Everyone asked what my parents want of me but nobody asked what I wanted. Do I never going to have a choice of working towards my interest? Going towards the science world isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to wake up one morning after 30 years and regret on my poor decision of not fighting for what I want when I was a teenager. I don't want to regret in the future that I'm stuck in a 15x15 square feet room, giving pills to patients because I was a total coward when I was 18. But what hurts me the most was the reactions from my parents.

Those that knew how sad and depressed I was, never knew what to react anyway, and I don't blame them. I don't even know what's the right thing to do. Honestly, if this sort of thing happens to my best friend, I wouldn't know what to do. But all I know was she needs a hug. 

I don't want to go against my parents because they often criticize me as someone who doesn't contribute to the family nor love them like how every daughter should be. But at that time, it was the only choice I had. That was my all time low for the year 2014. To be insulted by your own parents about how terrible you are as their daughter is one heck of a torture. And I still get reminded about it once a while, repeatedly.

On Wednesday after class, I received an email that I got the Maybank scholarship. I was really happy, but my parents, they did showed some happy reactions but it seemed like their only daughter is going for something that they had been opposing since I was young - business. Getting this scholarship... I was so happy I posted it on FB, I never thought what happened next. One by one the people I knew, from classmates to schoolmates, people I'd met and talked to and had fun together left me. And I had no idea why. Was it time that distanced our friendship? Was it jealousy that makes you pushed me away from the bridge of friendship? 

I don't know. I'm glad that I have negative people out from my life now, but it hurts. It still does. Does people knew how hard I worked to get the scholarship? From reading articles to articles, researching and writing information, practicing my pronunciation and fluency in front of a mirror. Why must I get hated over my own achievements? I do not understand such people.

"You can't get a career with a business degree!"

That sentence still rings in my ear everytime I have an argument with my parents regarding the problems I face in my studies every now and then. Sometimes I thought they were right when I was studying at college. Every now and then, my heart sways. And I would scold myself and make sure I don't give up no matter how shattered I am from the inside. I found out that getting hurt from the inside is more painful than getting hurt physically. 

I met new friends, got into troubles with people, recapturing memories... I'd never wanted to turn back time as much as I had for the past 18 years. It has been the year of many 'first times'. The one that will forever be etched in my heart was that afternoon after lunch. That time was the first time I seen my Dad cried.

And it was because of me.

I'd never told anyone about it because I don't even know how.

I passed my first semester of MUFY with all High Distinctions. I spent the first month of holidays rediscovering myself and the second month working as an intern in a bank. It was a splendid way to close the book of 2014.

In 2014, I lost my grandpa and my distant uncle. I nearly lost my aunt too, but from the look at it, it won't be long. I thought I was going to lose my own family. I lost friends. I lost connections with my old habits and interests. I noticed so much more things when I meet a person. I got hurt and I got tired. At times, I lost myself and regretted on my reckless decisions.

However, I'd gained new experiences. I met new people and built new bridges which I hope would last for some time. I retouched with my old memories and realized new endeavors. Those hidden passions in me since young were once suppressed by the people around me, but with my rebellious nature, I'd learnt how to get them back and have them burning in flames once again.

I had learnt how to control myself and think further in most situations. I don't get shy or sad for making mistakes anymore. I'm not afraid of meeting new people anymore. I'd learnt how to distance and shut myself away from people who emits  negative auras. I learnt to not take everything of what people thinks of me. I'd learnt that sometimes, what we need isn't a piece of advice or opinion, but just a pair of ears or a shoulder will do. 

2014 is the year when I needed hugs the most. I feel happy. But sadly, the people around me were reluctant. Some thinks that I'm weird. Some just gave me a shove into an embrace and let go within a millisecond. While the people who are willing to, are more than 500km away from me. One of them is even nearly opposite of the world.

But, best of all, I'd finally discover what I want and who I want to be. I begin to realize the hidden soul in me which was forced to be in the dark in the past. I still get sensitive with the way people think about me and what they say behind my back, but it isn't my priority anymore.

I just want to be me :)

On 31/12/2014, my dad said to me, "If I ever became Christian because you married to one, and I became someone who believe in God, trust me, I will pray every single minute of my life to have you back to the time when you were only 3 years old. Cute, small and never fights back."

Thanks, Dad. It bloody hurts a lot.

Anyway,

May 2015 be the year for me to slowly uncover who I am and to work towards the better me.

For my family, may 2015 be the year of happiness, forgiveness and acceptance with more love and care.

For my country, may 2015 be the year where transportation mishaps doesn't happen and more people to fight for true justice instead of accepting how things are now.

And for the world, may 2015 be a good, positive year with less killings, hatred and more peace.

Signing out,
Tiffany