These few weeks I hadnt been properly updating about what's happening or anything. Basically, there isn't much good things that had happened to me, or the people around me.

On the evening of 4th January 2016 (Monday), a huge argument broke out in the family. Dad was exceptionally disappointed in me not being straight. "LGBT people are weird and I do not accept weird people in this house." Quoted from one of the harsh sentences said by my dad. With this said, the front door was opened and there I went, officially kicked out of the house along with threats of disowning me by my own father. Mom was crying, begging my dad. But she isnt making things better, since she agreed that I shouldn't be falling in love with a girl. At one point, I was scared and frightened - that I won't get to see Adeline again.

"You're thinking too much." She said, silencing all my explanation that was previously stated during the argument. She was holding her tears, but the sobs are there. Half way through the argument, I gave up explaining myself to my own parents. I remembered that I had felt so fed up with my life for being so different in this family. I admit, suicidal thoughts lingered in my mind.

Both my parents insisted that I should meet a psychologist, talk things out and better, change who I am. I was devastated and told my gay cousin first, and then as much as I didn't want to, I told Adeline.

Early morning 6.50am on Tuesday, I'm back in SunU Residence with my mom's sandwich breakfast which I never had since I left high school. I have no thoughts of going back to a place which I called 'home' anymore. Back to an empty room, Han Cen isn't back from her semester break yet. And I realized that,

Home isn't a place anymore. It's just a feeling.

I settled down, tried to go back to sleep. I didn't even bothered to put a bed sheet. That day, Adeline came to pick me up and we went back to her house. I remembered clearly, that was a day that not a minute pass I did not feel like crying.

I remembered crying in the car on the way back to her house. I cried in her embrace, on her bed, on her pillow, on her shirt.

My cousin, John, was always on Whatsapp consoling me. Telling me to stay strong, stay as myself, hang in there. And we met on Saturday with his boyfriend to talk about things and getting to know each other more.

I went to Monash counselling too, and I'm glad I chose the right person to talk with. She was downright understanding, asked the critical questions, made me admit things I don't want to share to random strangers, told me to stay strong. We laughed and smiled, and she told me things about herself too. We shared interests and talked about random things in the room too. I remembered the session was done in a happy, cheerful manner. I was pretty happy that day.

Adeline brought me to the zoo too. I took a lot of nice photos of animals. I was rather happy that day too.

I remembered there was a night when I was crying again after reading my mom's message to me. She wanted me home and remained not understanding and accepting. She insisted I was in wrong for being who I am, and told me to not show my real self until I graduated from university. She lied to my dad that we had broken up and I'm settling down. That night in the her car, I cried endlessly. I remembered how much it stung. How brokenhearted I was.

I have plenty of suicidal thoughts that few days it happened. Like, I was used and betrayed a lot in high school. But this incident. I felt that I was betrayed by my own parents. Their words of never ending and impenetrable love on me is nothing but just words.

Even thought the counselor told me not to think it this way, which I understands, I tend to feel like that some times.

After two weeks, my mom really wanted me home to make things peaceful again.

I'm home again on the 18th. I can see that everyone was just pretending that all is okay.

Mom messaged me once, saying that dad asked her this, "Is Pei Er straight finally?"


I cried.


Then, I realized,

Some people rather live in denial and lies, than to live truthfully.

Ego. So much ego. Both my parents and I.

I dislike coming home now. I dislike my brother for not supporting me in this. When I messaged him about what had happened, he told me this: "Sorry but I'm on daddy's side. Its for the better for this family."

I had no choice but to brush up my pretending and acting skills now. Bro will be home next week and then we will be flying to Perth to meet my aunt for Chinese New Year.




Happy New Year.